I'm a Fucking Poet

So, yeah, I read a lot of blogs, and occasionally, because I've read one too many sappy poem that makes me want to vomit blood (ok, some are not bad, but most suck so hard they make the hairs on my anus stand), I decide to mock all these fuckers by producing my version of their shitty poems:

First, poems have to have a shitty name, that doesn't tell me jack shit about why the fuck I should be reading them. Something like 'pretty flowers' or 'birdies with wings' or some shit like that. Fuck, man, you know what I do with birdies with wings? I fucking eat them. Here is a picture of my favourite type of bird with wings:



Can you say yummy chicken? If you're a blog poet, probably not, because you're too busy being pretentious to say anything with less than three syllables in it. Hey, asshole, take your fingers out of your ass and write normally, jerkface! Gah! I fucking hate shit poems!

Next, the shittiest poems always, always, always rhyme. Now, I used to write a shitload of poems myself. Reading all my old poems, I've come up with a simple formula:



For those of you who don't understand, that simply means that, in amateur poetry, the degree of rhyme will be proportional to the degree of suck.

Compare the following two poems:

My love for you is like the sea

And we can run to where we're free

And I will give you pretty lillies

And feed you many ikan billis

Compare with:

Fuck you

Poems are gay

So are you, faggot.

I like the second one better.

You know what the problem is? The problem is, that too few people are willing to tell their friends, hey, you know what? Your poems suck ass. Instead, they will be all impressed at their friends' sensitive sides, and shit like that, and be like, 'oooh, you wrote a poem you're so sensitive' or some shit like that. I used to read my friends my poems, and I know, inside, they were thinking, 'man, I wish this fuckhead would stop reading me his suckass poetry' but on the outside they were like, 'yeah, that's pretty good.'

Bullshit. Fortunately, I eventually got pretty good at writing poetry. You can see the evidence here and here. Notice the lack of a) rhyme scheme and b) stupid wanky feelings bullshit. Especially angst. I fucking hate angst. If you're all tortured and shit like that, you might as well convert your feelings to rage, because rage makes for much better writing. Again, a comparison:

The sands of the hourglass

Fly by fleetingly

As I am trapped in my prison

Of sand, and I am

Sad

Compare this with:

That fuckhead!

I will rip off his head

Open his mouth on the ground

And piss in his lifeless mouth, motherfucker!

Second poem wins, with extra points for judicious use of the word 'motherfucker'.

In conclusion, let me write a poem mocking all the shitty poems I see on shit blogs:

Sunshine and Love

I went for a walk and I saw the sun
And so I thought I'd start to run
And write poems too, oh look, I'm a pretentious fucking faggot
What the fuck rhymes with that oh...err...maggot!
And baggot! What the fuck is a baggot? I don't know
Oh woe! Oh woe!
I love the sun because it is warm
And I have shit for brains
Don't you like my poetry
And this sensitive side of me?

Please love me, darling, you know you
The girl in lecture, yes she who
Is always staring at that guy
With nice hair; hey, you know I
Write poems!
I'm clever!
And not a pretentious fucking faggot?
Oh wait, fuck, I am.

Don't you see that we
Were meant to be?
I love the sun and I love you
Even though I don't know anything about love
Because I'm a pretentious piece of shit.

Yes, I know, I'm fucking awesome.

Ok, before I end, though, I have to say that, naturally, not all poems suck balls. My little brother has been writing a whole bunch of poems on his blog, and he's tolerable. As in, I don't want to puke out my insides when I read his poems. This says a lot, because it really takes very little to make me want to puke out my insides. That's how many shitty internet poems I've read. Also, my adopted son (long story) consistently churns out pretty good shit. Check out his re-wording of Hopkin's 'God's Grandeur' - see, it's not shit, even though it rhymes, and is based off another poem. Yes, I like shit like that.

So, to conclude, before writing poetry, please stop to analyze whether you suck. If you want to have an unbiased opinion, feel free to email me your shit, and I will give you a suck-o-meter rating. Actually, don't, because I can't be bothered to read your shit. Ask your english teacher instead. Oh, and if you have to write a poem, and don't think you're all that good, at least do us all a favour and get yourself wasted, first. Nobody wants to read angsty shit.

Today's Blog Babe: jiameei; why does she have 2 'e's in her name? I have no idea. Ask her. I hesitated in linking her for a while, because she looks really young. Then I realized that she just turned legal, and thought to myself, eh, why not?

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Eat Yourself Silly

It's happened to you before. You're at a chinese restaurant, and you order a couple dishes. Someone at the table says, 'is that enough?'

Some people have their doubts, but invariably, the standard reply will come - 'it's ok, if there isn't enough, we can always order more.'

So many times, there just isn't enough food to go around; but then, once everything has been eaten, who would REALLY order a second round? You end up going home a little hungry, and before you know it, you're awake at midnight, trying to think of where to go for supper, where you'll have to spend even MORE money.

I know, you're not rich, neither am I, which is why I've decided to publish a friend's (we'll call him Mr. QH) secrets to eating more at a Chinese restaurant (with my expert commentary, of course).



1) PICK YOUR OPPONENTS.

This rule only applies in very select circumstances, but it is fundamental to eating as much as you can. There is a very simple rule of thumb; 65% of the female population is permanently on diet, with 50% of the remaining 35% being able to eat very little. Thus, only about 17.5% of women eat as much as men. You have to watch out for guys, especially fat guys or atheletes. Both are very dangerous due to their healthy appetites. Of course, forewarned is forearmed; the more you know about eating habits, the better you can gauge which table at a free-seating banquet to sit at. If there are many empty seats, see who's sitting there - pretty girls always attract more male company. The best bet is a table almost filled with girls.

Here are some sample tables:





2) GETTING STARTED

Usually, at chinese dinners, there is always soup, be it sharks' fin, or a poorer imitation. Soon after the soup, they usually serve a cold dish; which do you eat first?



Many of you will answer the soup. YOU ARE WRONG! You may argue that the soup, once cold, will not be nice. However, you are forgetting that the cold dish is the first communal dish to be served, just as everyone is hungry. Be sure to get your share! The soup is already yours; if you're lucky, someone at the table might not like their soup and you might even get TWO bowls; the cold dish, however, will always have people willing to eat it. Make sure you eat all the jellyfish you can, before it disappears. Pineapple slices / cherry bits are also quite popular, so be sure to attack those before the other greedy bastards at your table beat you to it.

3) THE MEAL ITSELF: DETERMINING WHAT IS "YOURS"

Here, we move into the real intricacies of this guide. Based on the basic principle outlined above, we already see that some things are 'yours' whereas some things at a dinner are 'communal'. Soup, being individually portioned, is obviously yours. You can thus save it for later, while happily tucking into all the rest of the food. The same also goes for rice. With the dishes in the centre, though, it's slightly harder to tell. Determining what is logically 'yours', therefore, is thus integral to making sure you don't get ripped off.

First, anything with clear-cut portions is easily divisible. For example, let's say there are five chicken wings, and five people eating. You know for sure that one is yours. The same goes for dim sum. If there's four pieces of siu mai, and four of you eating, one is DEFINITELY yours; it's very bad form of other people to deny you your siu mai tasting rights, after all. You can thus safely ignore these dishes in the initial feeding frenzy.

Next, anything with large bones that remain on your plate (chicken / duck / pork chop with bone) or shells (crab, prawn, lobster) are very easy to keep track of. People who eat a lot of these will immediately be recognizable from their large pile of animal remnants on their plates. Thus, you can go slow with these things. If you see people piling up large piles of shells, be sure to ask them, in as pointed a fashion as you can, something to the effect of, 'hey, is the chicken nice?'

This will draw attention to their greediness, and they will eat slower, because they will think that everyone is watching them. Seize this opportunity to eat more.

4) HOT PROPERTY

Obviously, some things disappear faster than others. The keropok on the chicken dishes, for example, is obviously a hot commodity. This must always be terminated with extreme prejudice. You can keep some on your plate, but be aware that keropok is very visible. Better to chow down on it as quickly as possible, to avoid a noticeable trail of food. Fish, as well, is usually extremely popular, due to the fact that it's expensive, and also delicious. Regard the image below:



As you can see, the fish has been totally devoured early on in the dinner, as well as most of the keropok on the chicken. Hopefully, this makes it obvious which elements you should target first.

As a general rule of thumb, however, meat with no bones is always hot property. Don't worry about your rice, you can always eat it with the onions later, since nobody eats the onions. You're a growing individual, and you need your protein.

5) YOUR PLATE

Your plate can obviously serve as a buffer zone, allowing you to store certain 'hot' commodities, such as that extra bit of fish, or the little bit of meat. However, anything remaining on your plate for too long can become painfully conspicuous. Always remember, clear your plate early, clear it often, and try to get it discreetly changed by the service whenever possible so that you look like you've been eating less than you have.

6) ADVANCED TACTICS

One of the best things about Chinese cuisine is the ability to serve other people ... with the things you already know are rightfully theirs. Give the biggest eater at the table his share of the chicken early, and he'll have to eat it, or appear greedy, ungrateful, or both. This will occupy him, and free you up to eat all the hotplate beef, you tricky bugger.

Other advanced tactics include drawing attention subtlely to big eaters. Be sure not to be too obvious; if you appear to care too much, the game is up. Gentle ribbing always works; some other greedy person at the table will get in on the act, and soon you will be able to distract attention away from yourself to the other big eaters, while you chow down.

7) FINALLY

Always be sure not to point out that you've eaten more than everyone else. You don't want your friends resenting you when the bill comes along. Wait for other people to comment on their state of satiety, especially if you suspect everyone else ate less than you. If you've stuffed yourself silly at everyone else's expense, and they want to go for round 2, always cite being tired, rather than full, as your excuse for heading home to sleep off those well fought for calories.

Hopefully, this helped you in your quest to stuff your face. Until next time, dig in, pig out and get more bang for your buck!


Today's Blog Babe: The Mail Order Bride; she would have made it to the original post, but then, seeing as to how she made all her livejournal archives friends only, there are occasional picture droughts on her site. Don't be like that, leh, miss, we're all very friendly, you know.

awesome!

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send lah

yeah!

What the fuck?

I almost subscribed to blogthings today, but I didn't. For this, I'm proud of myself.

Some people might be saying, well, blogthings is quite fun what; you know, you can say that you're like 35% normal, or your seduction style is "pulling off her panties until she consents to have sex with you", or your porn star name is "Jerry Hunglikedonkeydick" or some shit like that, but you know, this sort of thing is only interesting the first 2 or 3 times you see it. After reading xangas and livejournals extensively, I've decided that, well, blogthings (or quizilla quizzes, or whatever other retarded things people put on their websites) just really don't do it for me.

Unless, of course, nobody has ever seen them before. I figure, if people are going to be retarded online quiz fiends, they might as well put up quizzes I've never seen before. That way, it won't irritate the shit out of me when I see them for the 10 billionth time. I'm fucking sick of knowing whether you're Frodo, or Gandalf, or Rogue, or Ali Baba. Why do you want so many identities? Even if I took the Lord of the Rings personality test and they said I was Legolas, I still wouldn't be fucking Legolas. No chiobus would suddenly think I looked like Orlando Bloom and want to jump my pants, damn it. This makes me fucking unsatisfied.

Yeah, basically, if you need to put up some stupid sort of quiz on your journal, why not put this up instead:

What type of retarded online quiz fiend are you?

1. Why the fuck do you take online quizzes?
a) Because I want everybody to know how special I am.
b) Because I am always amazed at the results
c) Because I'm trying to find myself.
d) Don't you think it's quite fun? It's quite fun, what!

2. That's it. I don't want to tax your brain with another question.
a) Ok.
b) Ok.
c) Ok.
d) Ok.

SCORING:

If your answer to question 1 was a:

You are a FUCKING WANKER

You take quizzes to show how awesome you are. Well, here's a news flash, hot shot: you're a fucking wanker.

Quick; quick - go share this with all your retarded friends! Just copy and paste the contents of this table:

<table width=400 align=center border=1 bordercolor=black cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2> <tr><td bgcolor=#66CCFF align=center> <font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'> <b>You are a FUCKING WANKER</b></font></td></tr> <tr><td bgcolor=#FFFFFF> <font color="#000000"> <img src=http://photos1.blogger.com/img/81/4115/400/ret00.jpg> You take quizzes to show how awesome you are. Well, here's a news flash, hot shot: you're a fucking wanker </font></td></tr></table> <div align="center"> <a href="http://bigfuck.blogspot.com/">What Retarded Quiz Fiend Are You?</a> </div>

Ok, for all who answered with option b:

You are an INCREDULOUS TWIT

You tend to think quiz results are amazing, and are constantly stunned by how much they reflect your inner being. What they really reflect is how ridiculously gullible you are. Go back to school, you nincompoop.

Quick; quick - go share this with all your retarded friends! Just copy and paste the contents of this table:

<table width=400 align=center border=1 bordercolor=black cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2> <tr><td bgcolor=#66CCFF align=center> <font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'> <b>You are an INCREDULOUS TWIT</b></font></td></tr> <tr><td bgcolor=#FFFFFF> <font color="#000000"> <img src=http://photos1.blogger.com/img/81/4115/400/ret01.jpg> You tend to think quiz results are amazing, and are constantly stunned by how much they reflect your inner being. What they really reflect is how ridiculously gullible you are. Go back to school, you nincompoop. </font></td></tr></table> <div align="center"> <a href="http://bigfuck.blogspot.com/">What Retarded Quiz Fiend Are You?</a> </div>

Moving on, we have option c:

You are an INSECURE DIPSHIT

Sometimes you take quizzes more than once, just to get a result that seems cool. Other times, you reflect on whether quizzes make you cool. Here at bigfuck.blogspot.com, we're going to do you a favour and tell you the truth. You're not cool, you're an insecure little dipshit.

Quick; quick - go share this with all your retarded friends! Just copy and paste the contents of this table:

<table width=400 align=center border=1 bordercolor=black cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2> <tr><td bgcolor=#66CCFF align=center> <font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'> <b>You are an INSECURE DIPSHIT</b></font></td></tr> <tr><td bgcolor=#FFFFFF> <font color="#000000"> <img src=http://photos1.blogger.com/img/81/4115/400/ret02.jpg> Sometimes you take quizzes more than once, just to get a result that seems cool. Other times, you reflect on whether quizzes make you cool. Here at bigfuck.blogspot.com, we're going to do you a favour and tell you the truth. You're not cool, you're an insecure little dipshit. </font></td></tr></table> <div align="center"> <a href="http://bigfuck.blogspot.com/">What Retarded Quiz Fiend Are You?</a> </div>

Finally, we have option d:

You are a GIGGLING BUFFOON

You laugh at really stupid shit, because you have shit for brains. Stop being a dumb fuck and grow some brains, before someone kills your ass.

Quick; quick - go share this with all your retarded friends! Just copy and paste the contents of this table:

<table width=400 align=center border=1 bordercolor=black cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2> <tr><td bgcolor=#66CCFF align=center> <font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'> <b>You are a GIGGLING BUFFOON</b></font></td></tr> <tr><td bgcolor=#FFFFFF> <font color="#000000"> <img src=http://photos1.blogger.com/img/81/4115/400/ret03.jpg> You laugh at really stupid shit, because you have shit for brains. Stop being a dumb fuck and grow some brains, before someone kills your ass. </font></td></tr></table> <div align="center"> <a href="http://bigfuck.blogspot.com/">What Retarded Quiz Fiend Are You?</a> </div>

If you're offended, well, fuck you. I fucking rock. I am awesome. Yeah.

Anyway, on to other business. Here is what I had for lunch:



I know, some of you are thinking, man, that's just some rice, and maybe peas, and kong ba. Well, having not had kong ba in fucking ages, this was, without a doubt, the best kong ba I've ever had. It's all thanks to my number 1 fresh off the boat girl, xiao zhu....'s mother. Or grandmother. Whoever made this food (I was slightly too drunk at the time of receiving it to recall), thank you. It painted a glittering rainbow across my cloudy day.

Ok. Fuck.

You are a FUCKING WANKER

What Retarded Quiz Fiend Are You?

<table width=400 align=center border=1 bordercolor=black cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2> <tr><td bgcolor=#66CCFF align=center> <font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'> <b>You are a FUCKING WANKER</b></font></td></tr> <tr><td bgcolor=#FFFFFF> <font color="#000000"> <img src=http://photos1.blogger.com/img/81/4115/400/ret00.jpg> </font></td></tr></table> <div align="center"> <a href="http://bigfuck.blogspot.com/">What Retarded Quiz Fiend Are You?</a> </div>

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